


Beautiful Words

by fourinthemorning



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, But from a 2015 lens, Drabbles, Fluff, M/M, Warning for suicidal thoughts in number 10, mainly a lot of d and p having gooey thoughts about each other, skip that one if you need to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-13 23:33:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14758397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourinthemorning/pseuds/fourinthemorning
Summary: This is a series of unrelated Dan/Phil drabbles based off of a list of beautiful words that I found. I started writing them in 2015 and never finished the list. Since I doubt I will ever finish them, I have finally decided to publish those that I did write.





	1. Luminescence

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written on August 29, 2015. Unedited.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luminescence 
> 
> (n) light produced by chemical, electrical, or physiological means.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The list of beautiful words can be found at : https://www.buzzfeed.com/danieldalton/bob-ombinate?utm_term=.iuAgx5P2Z#.fc2g6QO90. 
> 
> Originally written on August 29, 2018. Unedited.

Luminescence

(n) light produced by chemical, electrical, or physiological means.

**June 11, 2012 Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America**

The lights from the strip cast a luminescent glow over the crowd, making everything seem so much more exciting and magical, but as beautiful as the city was, the only thing Dan could see was his boyfriend. Phil was chuckling softly to himself, tongue visible from its place between his teeth. Dan had no idea what the source of Phil's laughter was, but considering how utterly drunk the pair were, Phil probably didn't know either. Phil turned toward Dan, waggling his eyebrows as he realized Dan had been staring at him. Normally, Dan would have looked away bashfully, face turning red and splotchy in embarrassment, but the alcohol gave him the courage to match Phil's gaze.

"Like what'cha see?" Phil questioned with a grin, his words slurring together just the tiniest bit.

Dan rolled his eyes (somewhere within his intoxicated mind he knew he hadn't done it right, and he knew he had to be extremely drunk if he had forgotten how to properly roll his eyes), and opened his mouth to give Phil a sarcastic reply, but instead, thanks to his current lack of a brain to mouth filter, said "You're the prettiest thing here."

The smile that lit up Phil's face was blinding, more so than any of the impressive hotels that surrounded him, and Dan would pay any amount of money to see that smile every day for the rest of his life.


	2. Somnambulist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somnambulist  
> (n) a person who walks while sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015. Unedited.

**Sept. 2012- Nov. 2012, The Dan and Phil Residence, London**.

The first time it happens, Phil wakes up to Dan screaming at him. He's accusing Phil of climbing into bed with Dan, and "you know we can't do this anymore, Phil", and Phil doesn't think this is fair, because he went to sleep in his own bed last night, and he woke up in his own bed this morning, and Dan's the one in Phil's bed. Dan seems to realize this at around the same time as Phil, taking in the green and blue of the comforter instead of his own black and white. Dan stops yelling abruptly. His lips form a thin line and his face pales, and he promptly stands from the bed and leaves the room, shutting the door soundly behind him. Phil sighs and let's his head thud back down onto his pillow. He's exhausted by the tension between he and his ex boyfriend. He just wants things to go back to normal. When he leaves his room after a few more hours of rest, he finds Dan in the lounge. He grabs his MacBook and sits on the sofa, keeping a wide berth between himself and Dan. They don't speak about it.

And then it happens the second time.

This time, Phil wakes up before Dan. It takes him a moment while he's trying to adjust to the waking world before he realizes that there's a warm weight pressed against his side. His head flies to the side, taking in the smooth lines of Dan's face, relaxed in deep slumber. Phil's heart gives a small flutter, because even though they haven't been together in that way in several months, he still loves this boy with all of his heart. Eventually, Dan wakes up, and with a clenched jaw, leaves the room.

They don’t speak about it.


	3. Ethereal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethereal
> 
> (adj) extremely delicate, light, not of this world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015. Unedited. Based off a certain photo of Dan in the water at sunset that I can’t seem to find.

Ethereal (adj) extremely delicate, light, not of this world 

**2010, Jamaica**

Phil cannot believe that he's lucky enough to be here. An entire trip to Jamaica, completely paid for by a company that thinks his YouTube channel is good enough to promote their camera, with a boy he loves more than he's ever loved anyone. 

He thinks that there is no way that his life could ever get any better than this. The sun is setting, and Dan has wandered a bit farther into the ocean than Phil. His tall form is backlit by the multitude of colors that the sky is turning. Dan may not be as fit as he would like, and he won't stop grumbling about his hair curling from the water and heat, but Phil thinks he is perfect. 

The sun sinks lower yet, and Dan turns a bit, the image ethereal. Phil knows that Dan doesn't believe it, but to him, Dan is truly too good for this world. It takes away Phil's breath, and he just wants to live in this moment forever. So he does the next best thing.

He takes a picture.


	4. Aurora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sequel to “ethereal”.
> 
> Aurora
> 
> (n) dawn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015. Unedited.

Aurora

(n) dawn.

**2015, Japan**

Phil was wrong. Life definitely did get better. He's in Japan this time, paid for out of his own pocket because he makes enough that he can go on nice holidays without worrying, with the man he knows he's going to spend the rest of his life loving. 

He's spent many sunsets and sunrises and so much time in between them with Dan by this point. You would think that it wouldn't have as much of an effect on him after all of these years, but time spent with Dan always makes him feel so much. It's their second to last day in this beautiful country, and they'd woken up early to sit on their balcony and watch the sun rise over the city. They're almost never awake by dawn, so it's not something they see often. Dan's hair is still ruffled from sleep, and he's still in his pajamas, but he has a small smile on his face as the first rays of sun for the day start to creep onto his face. Phil knows he's supposed to be looking at the sky, but he can't help but watch Dan instead. 

He doesn't take a picture this time, because he knows that when he wants to remember this moment, all he has to do is look to the man that's beside him in his life.


	5. Ineffable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ineffable
> 
> (adj) too great to be expressed in words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015. Unedited.

Ineffable

(adj) too great to be expressed in words

**2015, somewhere**

There are no amount of words in the English language that could explain the ways in which Phil has changed Dan's life. He truly meant it when he said that Phil had saved him all those years ago. He was a mess when they met, friends he didn't mesh with and no plans for the future. Of course, things didn't stitch together and become perfect overnight, and he still falls apart sometimes, but Phil is always there to help. Dan won't say that Phil put him back together, because it's unhealthy to believe that someone else is the only reason you're functional, but he will say that Phil gave him the strength and desire to put himself back together.

Explaining how grateful he is for Phil is ineffable. Every time he looks at the man, he's overwhelmed with emotion, because he can't believe that he's sitting here next to such an amazing human being. Dan knows that if it weren't for Phil's encouragement, he would never have become the person he is today, with over five million subscribers and a life so many could only dream of.


	6. Hiraeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hiraeth  
> (n) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015. Unedited.

Hiraeth  
(n) a homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was.

**2012, Dan and Phil’s Residence, London**

Dan often wonders how it came to this. He knows, deep down, that it's mostly his fault. He was the one who started pulling away, and when Phil tried to cling on, he cut the thin threads holding them together with harsh words he never meant. He wishes he could fix it, but anytime he tries, he ends up saying the wrong thing, and that tears them apart even more. 

He's homesick in his own home. He's homesick for simpler days when he didn't feel the overwhelming pressure to put on an act and hide his personal life from millions. He's homesick for the warm embrace of a man he loves more than anything, even if they aren't together anymore. He knows, though, he knows that there's no going back to how things were. From here on out, he's always going to have to be careful in choosing how to present himself. Even if he were to quit YouTube today, there were still going to be people on the street that recognized him, that he would have to put on a smile and take pictures for. Even if he were to patch things up with Phil, their relationship would never be as simple or carefree as it once was, because now they would know what it was like to almost lose that connection that they used to share.

Dan knows he can't go back. He knows that right now it feels like he doesn't belong in his home, doesn't belong in his own life. He knows that he can only move forward, whether that is with or without Phil by his side (though he wishes desperately that it's with him). It's up to Dan to find his new place in the world.

He only hopes that the future is brighter than the present.


	7. Vellichor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Companion to “hiraeth”.
> 
> Vellichor  
> (n) the strange wistfulness of used bookshops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written on August 31, 2015

Vellichor  
(n) the strange wistfulness of used bookshops 

**2012, a bookshop in London**

Phil hates that the bookshop feels more like home than his actual flat.

It's a cozy little place, full of large armchairs in tight corners, the bookshelves lined with hundreds of used novels. He's spent a lot of time there recently, curled up in one of the chairs and flipping through books that he doesn't really read. Instead, he stares at the words on the pages and breathes, because he's found that hard to do within the walls of his own residence recently. He's always tense when Dan is there. They've barely spoken in weeks, and Phil is just waiting for the announcement that Dan is moving out to finish breaking his already splintered heart. 

The atmosphere of the tiny shop brings along a sense of melancholy, but Phil would prefer this wistful sadness over the overwhelming darkness that comes over him the moment he steps inside his flat and watches Dan disappear into his room with barely more than a hello. He stays with the books because it's not a place he would usually frequent, and what he needs right now is something different. He needs a change from the cold air that permeates the place he once called home, but he won't move out, because as long as Dan doesn't either, he still has hope that they can salvage what they once had


	8. Limerence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Limerence  
> (n) the state of being infatuated with another person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written August 31, 2015

Limerence  
(n) the state of being infatuated with another person.

**2009-2015, somewhere**

Dan laughed as he watched Phil's newest video. He was absolutely perfect. Attractive, hilarious, and creative. Dan had never spoken to him, but he was fairly certain he was in love. He had tried to get the popular youtuber's attention, but hadn't succeeded yet.

Of course, years later, when Dan looked back on the crush he had developed on Phil through his videos, he would think it was silly. He understood now that what he had felt at the time wasn't proper love, because he had idolized Phil. He put him on a pedestal, seeing him as some perfect being. Nowadays, Dan knew all of Phil's imperfections: his tendencies to leave socks everywhere or how blunt he was with the truth sometimes. Now Dan knew that his once perfect crush had cracks in the marble like every other person, but that was ok, because those were the things that made Dan fall into real, proper love with him.


	9. Ephemeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ephemeral  
> (adj) lasting for a very short time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally written on August 31, 2015. Unedited.

Ephemeral  
(adj) lasting for a very short time

**2010, London**

When Dan kissed him for the first time, Phil was positive that this was it. Dan was going to be the last love he ever had. The forever kind of love. Sitting atop the Manchester wheel, lips pressed softly together, Phil felt his entire future shift to include this boy until the day one of them died. When they pulled away, shy smiles on both of their faces, Phil looked Dan in the eyes and knew that he felt the same way.

That's why, three years later, he doesn't understand how it's come to this. They're fighting. Dan's screaming at him, about the video, once again. Telling Phil that all of this is his fault, as though he somehow masterminded the entire debacle himself. Phil is screaming back, asking why they're even together if Dan is so ashamed of being with him. The screaming stops, and Dan is quiet for a moment.

"Maybe we shouldn't be." Dan says quietly, not meeting Phil's eyes.

"Ok." Phil replies, voice strong even though his heart just crumbled inside his chest.

Phil goes to his room and shuts the door. Dan grabs his wallet and leaves the flat.

Forever didn't last very long


	10. Oblivion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING : SUICIDAL AND EXISTENTIAL THOUGHTS, THOUGH NO ACTUAL ATTEMPT
> 
> Oblivion  
> (n) the state of being unaware of what is happening around you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See warnings in chapter summary.
> 
> Originally written August 31, 2018. Unedited.

Oblivion  
(n) the state of being unaware of what is happening around you.

**Unspecified Time, Dan and Phil’s Residence, London**

Sometimes Dan spends hours laying face down on the carpet in the hall. He blocks out the outside world, and the only thing he hears are his racing thoughts. What's his role in the grand scheme of things? Sure, he might mean something to several million people, but when compared to the billions of people that have walked the earth in the past and the billion more that will in the future, what does his life count for? Is life worth the suffering and pain for those rare moments of pure happiness? He plays up his "existential crisis" moments as jokes on his YouTube channel, but they're really not. He's gotten better, they don't happen as often, and they're not as bad as they once were, but he remembers times where he would stand in his bathroom, and stare at a pile of pills in his hand. He would roll them around a bit, wondering what would happen if he put them on his tongue one by one and swallowed them dry, relishing in the bitter taste as they destroyed him from the inside. He never would have actually done it, though, because it's not that he wanted to die, it's just that sometimes he didn't want to exist.

He doesn't do that anymore, even when it all gets to be so much he can hardly stand it. Now he's better at handling himself. He still spends hours on the floor, but now he thinks: so what if he doesn't have a greater purpose in the universe? He has a purpose to at least a minuscule part of it, and that should be enough.

Phil comes and sits with him in the hall every once in a while. He doesn't say anything, just brings his MacBook and two cups of tea. He sets one cup near Dan's head, and keeps the other for himself. He plugs his headphones in and watches videos of cute animals and waits. Sometimes, Dan pushes himself up after a few minutes to grab the tea and take a few long sips. He lies back down when he's finished, but this time he pillows his head onto Phil's thigh.

Other times, the tea sits so long it goes cold, Dan still too caught up in his thoughts to realize Phil was even there. These days, Phil waits until long after the sun goes down, before he quietly picks up the cups, his empty and Dan's full, and takes them into the kitchen. Then he goes to his bedroom and returns with his blanket and some pillows, lying next to Dan and wrapping both the blanket and himself over him. Eventually, they both fall asleep, together on the carpet.


	11. Epoch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epoch  
> (n) a particular period of time in history or a person's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in 2015. Unedited. This one shows its age by talking about them working for BBC, lol

Epoch  
(n) a particular period of time in history or a person's life

**2060s, somewhere**

Dan and Phil. That had been a thing.

Well, it still is a thing, as Dan is sitting next to his husband of several decades as they watch Phil's great nephew get married. Sometimes it hits Dan how old he is, in his seventies, and how short a time he probably has left. He can't regret the life he's lived, however, especially when he's been able to spend it all with Phil right beside him. His husband is pushing eighty, but his eyes are just as bright and full of life as they've always been.

They've accomplished so much together. Their YouTube subscribers grew and grew in the golden age of the website, their combined audience around thirty million by the time they said goodbye to their channels and started full time work with the BBC. They had hosted dozens of award shows and interviewed hundreds of celebrities. Their networking gained them access to events all over the world, and they even had their own talk show for a while. Yes, the brand of Dan and Phil got them far. But Dan would take the personal lives of Dan and Phil over their fame any day. 

They had never had children. They had always talked about kids with the intention of someday in mind, but they were busy, and by the time they had a moment to stop, they had decided they were already too old. They didn't think that their lives were unfulfilled because they still had each other, and they had their families, and friends, and so much love.


	12. I love you (but I’m afraid)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not part of the Beautiful Words series, but written as part of my 2015 Nanowrimo attempt and also based a lot off of my then believed unrequited feelings for my now-girlfriend.

"Why don't you just tell him how you feel?" Dan's heard the words more times than he can count. He's not subtle about it, anyone who's spent five minutes around him can figure out how he feels about Phil. (Luckily for him, Phil is the most oblivious person on the planet when it comes to Dan's affection for him.)

People always seem surprised when he tells them that he's in love with Phil, like they expect Dan to not realize his own feelings as though this is some teen romance novel and he's the idiot main character who doesn't understand what that bubbly sensation in his stomach when he looks at Phil is (and God, how could he not look at Phil all the time, he knows the fans make fun, but he's perfect, and Dan could look at his sharp jawline and his Adam's apple and those blue-green-yellow-whatever eyes for eternity) until Phil inevitably is about to marry someone else or has a near death experience.

No, Dan has been in love with Phil for years, and he's known it for just as long. He had always had a crush on him. At first, of course, it had been superficial. Dan had been lonely, his relationship with his girlfriend of three years crumbling at its roots. Phil was attractive, and Dan admired his talent in his admittedly strange early YouTube videos. So when Phil first started replying to Dan on Twitter, of course he latched onto it. He craved the attention, and to be noticed by someone he thought so highly of made him soar.

It was about mid 2010 when Dan realized he was in love. It didn't take long for him to accept it. He and Phil had been at Starbucks, Phil had let out a soft giggle at something that Dan had said, and Dan thought, "I love him so much." And that was it. He was in love with Phil Lester and that was ok. He accepted it and moved on.


	13. Scream it to the world (but more like a whisper)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not part of the Beautiful Words Series but enjoy a snapshot of recently (in 2015) engaged Dan and Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written on October 25, 2015. It still uses @danisnotonfire!

"Have you been on Twitter since the radio show?" Dan questioned as he walked into the lounge Tuesday morning, removing his MacBook from under his arm and flipping it open as he simultaneously flopped onto the sofa. Phil almost subconsciously scooted closer to his fiancé, pressing their sides together from shoulder to thigh. February had just begun, and it was chilly in their flat. 

Phil didn't reply to Dan immediately, instead closing out of the game he had been playing on his phone and opening Twitter. He went to his mentions and his eyes were flooded with a plethora of tweets directed at he and Dan. 

"'@danisnotonfire um why does @AmazingPhil have a ring on his WEDDING FINGER???' Why do they always ask you these things instead of me?" Phil chuckled. 

Dan grinned, "My favorites are the people who deny it. There was one earlier, something like - 'um, excuse me, janice from the shop could have given @AmazingPhil that ring' - or, no, there was one that said it WAS from me, but only as a symbol of our lifelong platonic bro bond." Dan and Phil turned to look at each other at the same time, eyes meeting with identical happy sparkles in them. 

"When do you think they'll figure it out? I mean, some of them already have, but when do you think they'll know for sure?" Phil mused, his head tilting onto Dan's shoulder. Dan moved his left hand until it was covering Phil's right, fingers intertwining, and Dan wondered if it meant something that they were both willing to give up their dominant hands for each other.

"Probably around the time we're wearing matching rings. Or never, for some of them. We could buy a house together and have twelve kids and a dog and a select few of them would still say we were just doing it for publicity or that it's just a normal thing that friends do." 

phanismylife23: @AmazingPhil so uh nice ring where'd you get it

AmazingPhil: @phanismylife23 It was a birthday present from @danisnotonfire! Not sure if I like it as much as the socks my mum gave me. 

danisnotonfire: @AmazingPhil @phanismylife23 wow sorry pal didn't know that socks were better than spending the rest of your life with me


End file.
